i don't think you trust in my self righteous suicide

New Thing

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 03:05:51 GMT

inspiration, in the form of:

it's rather large if you follow the link there--
but this was tonight's doodle.

Happy 4th!!!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:52:25 GMT

i have an addiction.

i just went to Duane Reade to buy a breakfast bar thingie and ended up at staples buying two sets of colored pens.
at my desk i now have:
one set of crayola chunky markers 'bold' edition (8 colors)
one set of crayola pencils (24 colors)
one set of colored mini RSVP pens (8 colors)
one set of staples brand (12 colors) mini gel pens
one set of sharpie (10 colors) accent hi-lighters
and
a mix of other sharpie fine and medium point sets.

I also have
something like 8 blank journals
1 black paper journal
three pads of creative papers (varying from handmade paper to heavy weight blank and printed card to origami)
the blank guts of five or six journals that i was never going to fill
that i couldn't store anymore.

O-o

i work in Medicare, checking numbers--
what on God's earth do i need
more supplies than a hallmark for?

still
i are excited my new gel pens will write on my black journal paper

LOL

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:27:18 GMT

Defining a relationship.

It is more than just a label
it is other than a kind of contract of exclusivity
it is a compound involving friendship
a barrier against the wilderness
it is a hand to hold along the road of life
it is someone sitting shotgun alongside you
a companionship

it is being there and being there
in both of the ways it goes
whether you need a shoulder to cry on
or it is your shoulder soaked with tears.

it is patience and willingness to try
even in the face of all of the obstacles and somedays
which never seem like they will come to pass.
it is understanding in the face of hurt
and the ability to feel comfortable with saying 'you have hurt me'
it is being willing to say 'i am sorry' instead of 'i don't care.'

it is seeing a future together that is harmonious
it is working in tandem,
never being more than a step ahead or behind one another
it is sharing the same level
of understanding, of intelligence, of effort, of contribution
it is learning the nature of a two way street
it is give and take
it is balance.

it is being adult enough to not be childish
and childish enough to be romantic

it is about getting beyond being 'saved' by another person
to being a working machine together
it is so much more than the simple belief of the need of someone
it is knowing you don't need anyone yet choosing someone you want to keep
it is being kept

it is about belonging
about trust
it is about the time you spend together
and what happens when you are apart
it is about doing something
not just letting life happen.

it is recognizing the need to change without having to be told to do so
it is about pitching in towards the effort to support a lifestyle
it is about picking up the slack where your partner cannot
and helping them to become more efficient attempting to prevent that slack
it is about sometimes sucking it up and doing the dirty work
and it is being able to say 'i cannot' and having someone turn it around into 'i can'
it is finding a functionality together

it is caring enough about someone else to take the best care of yourself you can
it is caring enough about someone to tell them you wish they would take better care of themselves

it is a modicum of steadfastness
it is a degree of stalwartness
it is being a pillar when you want to falter
and still feeling safe when you do collapse that someone's hand will be extended out to reach yours.

it is more than the good times
and makes the bad times seem small and insignificant

it is building together
clearing a path together
forging new horizons together
exploring the unknown together

it is about being brave
facing fears
self examination and appreciation

it is about saying 'i deserve this'
and accepting a kind of happiness
it is about knowing you have something you want no one else to have
it is the idiom 'If you Love something, let it go'
and the truth behind 'if it comes back to you, it's yours to keep forever'
as well as the solemnity of accepting 'it was never yours to keep' if it does not come back.

it is about listening
to the hopes and dreams and crazy ideas
to the fears and frustrations and problems
it is about being able to express all of those things

it is about fighting
about not accepting defeat
it is climbing that mountain together
and planting that flag at the summit

it is more than just a label
it is more than just growing up
it is more than just settling on what you can get
it is about persevering, holding out for 'the one' in the face of so many impostors.

it is the ability to know when the road has parted
when you have grown so far apart that you cannot be reconciled
and walking away
it is about being graceful
about leaving the door open or the light on
and tho you may not tend to the bridges that still connect you
it is about not completely burning them behind you either.

it is the way you choose to relate
and someone else's willingness to deal with that way

and all of the various vice verses you can think of.

it is more than just a label
it is other than a contract of exclusivity.

it is the ability to choose
and believing in the choices of another

it is more than consistent harmony and zen-
it is knowing that from the disturbance of it you will come back to peace
it is the ability to fight and scream and shout
and know that it will not break this seemingly fragile thing

it is confidence
in oneself, in the strength of the bonds you hold, in your partner.

it is the time it takes
to know all of these things
and more

it is more than just a label....

((what is it to you? please reply!))

WALL*E

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:42:44 GMT

Also;

I saw Wall*E this weekend.
Damn but i am gonna go see it again as often as i can-
long has it been since Disney gave us something tear jerking and with poignancy
that adults and children can relate to.

I know i blasted Disney in my previous post because of
just how deeply steeped in the 'sheep'-ification of the American Populace they are
with how much media they control
but at least every now and then they give us something like this movie
which astoundingly and astonishingly presents
complex social ideas and illustrates the evils of corporate domineeringness
as well as calls out to the younger generation to
get off their butts and be heroic
instead of being completely self absorbed in a world of information and advertising--

well anyways
see it
you don't have to take it for the underlaying message
the surface story is just as moving and touching

For those worried about the ET/Short Circuit style or connotation
based on the WALL*E posters and previews of the movie--
okay, there is definitely a taste of both
but who didn't love ET and who didn't love Johnny 5?
The similarity is mostly in appearance
and if you can get past that if you had a distaste for those two movies
you'll find you will LOVE Wall*E

I think my favorite part was the limited dialog and the reliance on
the actions of the characters
and the implied intent behind said actions
that really got to me
throughout the entire movie.

^_^

Thank You Pixar- Please more like this one!

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:59:39 GMT

i'm currently on Bizarre
so if it comes out a lot in words to come
please just know.

life lately has kind of been bizarre
i suppose
there is still a great unquiet in me
and the way it is churning
feels like thunder upon horizons and
something larger and darker brewing
i guess i have felt that for a while
like the echoes of waves bouncing off my far shores
the sound catching up upon itself
the slow draw of the tide
revealing the low rocks
the waves gather strength.

there was real thunder and lightning last night
at the house
i wanted it to last
i wanted the world to wash away
the brilliance in each flash
the rumbling of the heavens

this weekend brings the Fourth of July upon us
and as most Americans will be too busy grazing on BBQ and
hooting and hollering about fireworks
I will be mourning the slow death of our Constitutional Rights

((Read the Bill, Educate yourself!
This has passed congress and will go to vote on the senate floor
please call the numbers posted on the first site above
and tell your senator what you think of it--
in short, it revises the Homeland Security Act in such a manner that
a US CItizen, born and raised here, is subject to being suspect of being a terrorist
(and therefore able to be jailed without representation, trial or being charged-
to have their wired tapped, property searched and privacy invaded
without warrant, without due process, it literally negates at least two or three
of the first ten amendments)
by their words or the expression of their ideas and beliefs. Read the content of it--
it will scare you and horrify you
just how close to home this hits anyone who
posts up awareness issues-
even by posting this here i might be considered a terrorist just for asking you to read it, think about it
and then contact your senator if you don't like it--

My favorite part of the text:
"Purpose of Bill:
Examine and report upon the facts and causes of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence in the United States, including United States connections to non-United States persons and networks, ... in prison, individual or `lone wolf' ..., and other faces of the phenomena of violent radicalization, homegrown terrorism, and ideologically based violence that the Commission considers important."

Lone Wolf... that means you and Me, us with our solo voices screaming for change, pleading not to let this happen

And here is how the Commission is put together:

Composition of Commission- The Commission shall be composed of 12 members appointed for the life of the Commission, of whom--

`(1) 2 members shall be appointed by the President from among officers or employees of the executive branch and private citizens of the United States;

`(2) 2 members shall be appointed by the majority leader of the Senate;

`(3) 1 member shall be appointed by the minority leader of the Senate;

`(4) 2 members shall be appointed by the Speaker of the House of Representatives;

`(5) 1 member shall be appointed by the minority leader of the House of Representatives;

`(6) 1 member shall be appointed by the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security of the House of Representatives;

`(7) 1 member shall be appointed by the ranking minority member of the Committee on Homeland Security of the House of Representatives;

`(8) 1 member shall be appointed by the Chairman of the Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs of the Senate; and

`(9) 1 member shall be appointed by the ranking minority member of the Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs of the Senate.

So HALF of this committee is put into place by Bush and the machine behind him, completely unregulated by the desires of the US public.

Yes, there is a little line in there that our rights and civil liberties are to be protected and that
the secretary of this nice little committee is responsible for making sure they aren't violated
however
the reason behind this bill is in the Findings of Congress
which allow for the implementation of this bill by the building of a Center
to study, track and report on those things mentioned in the findings.
It empowers the government at State level to begin doing so
and specifically targets the use of the internet
in blogs and writings such as these--
and if under Homeland Security you are found to be a terrorist
or even just ideologically along the same thought lines as one
you can have your rights stripped and be sent to camps like Guantanamo--

There are better solutions! Don't accept such LOOSELY defined parameters
Don't accept such general and broad sweeping phrases, you never know if you will
classify or be able to be labeled as such!!!

Why did it have a Press Blackout upon it and of the results of the vote?
Why won't major News corporations pick up on this story and post editorials?))
Here are dozens more articles, some offering the picture painted by those who are supportive
of this bill
and others trying to reveal just how dangerous the vague definitions within the bill could be.

It might be designed to target Islamic Jihadism, but it is written in such a manner
that any opinion that differs from those elected into this committee
could easily be labeled as homegrown terrorism or ideology.

I like this quote from one of the articles;
"Keep in mind that once you have no voice, you cannot object to anything"

And this little factoid too:

The true targets of this bill may be the anti-globalists and radical environmentalists who pose a threat to the corporate powers. Jane Harman (D-Los Angeles), the congresswoman who introduced the bill, has enjoyed a long and productive relationship with the RAND Corp., a California-based think tank with close ties to the military-industrial-intelligence complex.

“Trends in Terrorism,” a 2005 study by RAND, contains a chapter titled “Homegrown Terrorist Threats to the United States.” In that study, RAND maintains that “homegrown terrorism” will come from anti-globalists and radical environmentalists who “challenge the intrinsic qualities of capitalism.” RAND also claims that anti-globalists and radical environmentalists “exist in much the same operational environment as al-Qaida” and pose “a clear threat to private-sector corporate interests, especially large multinational business.”

Any thought, speech or action that threatens corporate hegemony and profit under this law — however protected it might be by the Bill of Rights — could be considered an act of homegrown terrorism.

This article too:
"...Or how the acquisitive tentacles of Viacom, CBS, TimeWarner and Disney have managed to take a relatively engaged population and, in 30 short years, turn it into a nation of compliant, ill-informed, politically illiterate chowder heads content to consume their quota of goods, services and ideologies with an equally uncritical eye."

Brilliant. ))

one by one, silent and deceptively
our government is demanding we become obedient automatons
without our knowledge, our rights and protections are being chiseled away
our forefathers are rolling in their graves
their legacies and all they fought for
forgotten under industry, big business, consumerism and the rat race--
Please America, Wake Up!
Wake Up!

9/11 was our rabbit hole
and the dimension we have been living in since then
is so warped and nonsensical
that we don't even see it for what it is
before it may be too late...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

well that was a little bizarre. i didn't intend to go on a rant with this entry
but i guess it was under the surface and lurking
and needed its voice to be heard.

there are other things
howling for expression
which i quiet and hush.

tonight i think perhaps i will continue the campaign to get my room in order
and maybe break out the paint
as i am feeling
highly reclusive and
badly in need of some down time.

<_<

Love and Hugs--

Bandwagon Time

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:10:50 GMT

When you see this post, quote from Doctor Who on your LJ.

"I might never make sense again! I might have two heads, or no head. Imagine me with no head! And don't say that's an improvement. But it's a bit dodgy, this process. You never know what you're gonna end up with"

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 20:47:27 GMT

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome

For the first time, they can assure me that i really do have it.
i guess in some ways; that's a relief?

Also, apparently i am supposed to be on Metformin- a diabetic medication that controls blood sugar levels.
the Nurse asked me if i was on meds and i said no and she said 'even your Metformin?' and i was like--
uhm, scuze?
she told me that the doctor i saw when i couldn't see mine had written my a script for it
but
the system was down when i had gone in for those results and
they never contacted me about it

*frustrated*

apparently those meds could have helped my hormones balance and my blood sugar regulate and my metabolism
kick in
so that instead of gaining weight
i could actually drop it.

my mom was on a tirade about it
and yeah to degrees she is right
so hopefully in two weeks when i get the results of the further blood tests
my doctor will have some real advice and whatnot for me

i am so tired
i don't want to deal with this right now

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:47:48 GMT

i thought about making a bulleted list for this entry so i could address everything
but i am gonna see how far i can get on the rest of my lunch and
hopefully i will hit everything.

Gypsy Party Rocked!
Many thanks to Eileen (and her folks for letting us use the property) for arranging this--
There was so much alcohol! and there is still so much left
which = yay for future parties.

^_^

I wish i had my own piece of property so that i can host a camp-out party someday soon---

-----------
tomorrow i go to the doctor for my yearly
about a year late
hopefully they will have medicines for me
i am going to talk to the doctor about maybe going to see a therapist.
i know i am pretty well adjusted
but lately i haven't been having emotions
i mean i have
but i find i am more numb and listless
i want to have intensities
i want to be vibrant and laugh
in the car this weekend
i was listening to friends of mine
go on and on, rambunctious and laughing
and i just sat there quietly and listened
and thought
am i too serious and mature to know what it is like to laugh and find humor?
has a lack of truly joyous things
lead me to be this numb automaton?

a friend of mine said that it was going to suck about me not being someplace
because of how well organized and thought out i was about things

not because i am fun
because i am put together.

i used to laugh and be funny
i used to be good for a lot more than just being solid-
i don't mind being solid, that's not it
i just feel
so alone
like i am on the outside of the outside
i'm not sending postcards from teh edge
i am sending them from
the bottom of the gulch--

i don't even know anymore if i can get beyond the words
'i'm fine'
enough to hit the core of the matter
---------------------------------

it was with a sense of trepidation that
i had been wavering
upon the edge of something from my past
like a butterfly returns to a bush of caterpillar memory
because the leaves were so sweet
but the maw of the past opened and
the present hit me like perhaps a single ton of bricks
and the twig hope of it snapped
like a handsaw against toothpicks.

apparently i am still the same
----------------------------------------

i would give 25 years off the end of my life
if i could just have ideal-ity in it now.
of course
with my sense of longevity for myself
that means i would be dead for a few years already.

which is also depressing
because it means that i wouldn't have met some of the fabulous people i have
in the past three years.

i don't think that the hurts i have suffered have outweighed
the good things
but i do feel as if i have just kind of rolled
still stumbling from
something---
something that died inside of me
so many many years ago......

---------------------------------------------

i hate sometimes how the urge to lay down and stop
overwhelms me so much so that
it physically hurts.

i wish i could disappear
just for a year
go someplace and recharge
i have been so busy keeping it together that
i lost who i am
amoung my concerns

i'm tired
-----------------------------------------------

I am bummed about missing Origins and GenCon this year
to degrees that i find i lack the emotion to properly express---
I LOVE Terrorwerks
i love everything about the game
the environment, the people working it
the excitement it generates
everything
but
the past two Origins events have left me often feeling emotionally drained
from some of the drama that goes on with my friends.

i hate feeling like i always have to be the strong one
or like i am not entitled to feeling upset
no matter what the slight to me is---
the truth of the matter is that
if i walk away
or if i am not there
no one thinks twice about it
no one chases after me and holds my hand until i feel better
no one wants to know why i am upset over something
no one cares how bruised, raw, wounded or bleeding their actions or words
have ever left me

and i guess that this even goes beyond
just these conventions
and into all kinds of realms of the real.

maybe this is why i am numb
maybe this is why if i search myself too much
i just start to hurt all over.

perhaps from all of it i have some kind of
post stress trauma
i wish i knew what to do
i wish ---
but that's useless
it never changes anything
nothing will change
you're not strong enough to move in your heart on it emily
and you know you can survive the poison because you believe so bad in what makes you sick.

and this is why you need help
because someday
the dose is going to be too much
and you
and everything you have built
will unravel.

-------------------------------------------------------

i need a vacation.....

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:37:42 GMT

Wacom 9 x 12

holy crap- SuperWANT:

Wacom Cintiq

(Not Likely! but damn. oh damn)

*sigh* i will not get a tablet more expensive than my computer
i will not get a tablet more expensive than my computer.

i'll prolly sink my pennies into the 9 x 12 above
a friend of mine has one and oh
oh oh oh it is sweetness

now i just have to find a scanner...
still
LOL

ah well.

once keyboard, tablet and scanner are achieved--
^_^ PRINTER!

hehehe
yeah
that'll be a pretty penny
especially for the archival ink and whatnot....
but then i will be able to make my own prints
and then it will reveal to totally be worth every centavo.

<3
<3
<3

that is all

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:41:06 GMT

The next Woot Shirt derby is bugs--

Should i recolor and submit this?

It's actually much brighter than that and i can fudge around with it and make it really pretty too---
i guess i just need to know if it is good enough that people would buy it on a shirt tho---

Please input!

Musings

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 20:59:13 GMT

Come Away With Me
by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

--------------------------------------------------

The soft quiet melody underdown
reflecting calmly under full moon
the spaces and paces revealing the revolution of change
churning under my skin.

Calm waters ripple against my heartbeat and bounce off the edges of my universe
as i gently move with light fingers
the skiffs and platforms and vehicles upon the surfaces
pulling some close and letting others drift away.

Smooth sailing, i say to them
as i lift my finger from the prow
i let them go-
on to pursue their own adventures
to establish their own selves
to grow up and move on
to enter into realms where their actions no longer hurt me
because i am no longer touching them

and as i draw some vessels closer
i keep my mind wary of history
and let them take each inch as they may
trepidacious to bless their journeys complete
for they could always yet forsake my graces
and down the albatross-
claim to know my will--

it is a kind of dallying
a kind of time to let my toes dip into the cool waters of reflection
to cast off the old lines and reign in the new ones
to clean the nets and traps and reset them
to air the corners left closed off and to close those left too exposed.

i am a little sad of what is drifting away from me
all of the time and effort spent upon their decks
wondering if i have truly touched them, if i have been able to teach them anything
hoping that it was wonderment and joy
wondering how long it will be before they realize that they are no longer bordering on my horizons

i think of those who have been long gone---
do they ever think of me-
and is it with fondness?

It's fleeting
the dalliance fades and
the present returns---
take up the dance again my dear---
there are still miles to go before you sleep.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:14:07 GMT

Wow.

well so i figured that it really is time to face my fears and buy a credit report and whatnot---

I just paid the Con Edison bill from my apartment in Hastings, which i left three or four years ago.
Please bear in mind that i paid that thing each month in full (whether or not my roommates gave me monies) and that i was hardly ever home---

233 dollars outstanding.

I can't find anything on my credit about the cable bill (i think it is in the 800 dollar range) or any medical bills (ER visit for a spider bite, bloodwork done in college that was misbilled)
and i am a bit nervous about them lurking and possibly being on some other company's credit reporting.

I am eventually going to have to bite the bullet and call Optimum. I was never able to return the equipment and my bills didn't get forwarded from one place to the next. There still lingers within me some frustrations over that whole debacle, hundreds of dollars in movies i never got to see, sporting and pay per view events that my roommates just charged to the account with absolutely no regard for the person who would have to ultimately pay for it all. Ugh.

The credit report also says that i have had two judgments against me that haven't been satisfied, which is false--
it was one judgment for the room and board at Purchase and i paid it off about three or four years ago when they placed a lien against me. Hopefully i will be able to track down all the information needed to have these listed as settled and then my only two outstanding debts will be current.

And maybe with good behavior my credit score will improve
And maybe i will be able to get a real apartment someday, and a real credit card--

>_>
<_<

and if i don't tell any lies perhaps someday i will be a real boy!

^_^

LOL

kidding.

still, tho it sucks to shell out the money unfairly
it still means that i am inches closer to being fine.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:14:05 GMT

HOLY FUCK--

This can't be real!

So i am sitting here at my desk and my boss comes by and she makes a comment about me being here all by myself.
it's two hours past when everyone normally takes their lunch. I'm fairly used to eating alone and with the office empty
but then i realize how strangely quiet it is outside along fifth avenue too---
just the sound of a distant police car...

So i stretch and get up to look out from my perch three stories above the world---
and that is when i see it---

No wonder i have been feeling all morning like something was really off with my emotions---
it's the farking end of the world!
There are bodies everywhere--- they look diseased and all too livid in the full light of the sun over Manhattan---
Oh---
Oh my god---

they are getting up--
the bodies--
some of them are getting up--
i mean i am looking down at a guy, half his face must be gone--
he looks like he's been dead a whole lot longer than just an hour or two
and he is--

shambling--

he is shambling across the street---

O_O

i know what this is---

but it can't be real--
and on my birthday too no less?

Damn if i don't have to fight my way to my train now---
i hope there is still a fire axe in the stairwell--
but i do have some rigged lighters and it should help me get the two blocks i need to unscathed---

Zombies. Fucking Zombies! Of all the things--

well i guess the good news is that i can get some of my raw frustrations out with a nice lovely game of
Zombie Cricket---

Here's to hoping i'll survive!

IF you're out there, be careful, they might be infected in your town and coming for you too!
Find a secure, safe, well protected place with thick thick walls
and barricade yourself in with a radio and listen for news-

Be aware, the only way to stop them is to take their heads off!
Don't let them touch or bite you!!!!

Best of luck, i Love you All!!!!!

Always;
-Miss Em

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:52:07 GMT

First, the bad:

The birthday gifts i had bought for the MyLostSoul folk apparently never processed/shipped other than my card being charged.
This for a sad Emily makes since they're out of stock now and can't locate the original package.
I can find other gifties but these had been perfect. His and Hers. ARGH. meh. Guess i am making the rounds on my lunch.

Cyndi Lauper gave a free concert at Bryant Park this morning and i didn't know and missed it. *whine* NOT FAIR UNIVERSE!!!!

NJ will eat your soul if you stay there too long, apparently one 70 dollar ticket at a time.

Second, the good:

My coworkers got me a Pecan Cinnabon for breakfast for my birthday.
OOOOOH so bad yet SOOOOOOOO good

The trip i took yesterday was really touching--
life sometimes leads you to meet people and to become involved in their lives and fates
and the bonds and friendships we make from them
are the most important and precious things--
Being able to be there to share the joy of a graduation
and the poignancy of the importance of some of life's milestones---
that's priceless.

Any which way the bottle spins on what's happening tonight
Good Times shall be had;
whether drinking at the Casa Del Moose (ida know what else to call it really--)
or dinner with my Adopted family
or the Frakking SNAPRING show at the Chance (Please please!)
any one of those options is gonna rock my socks.

Third, the Indifferent:

I have no one to get lunch with today. O-o i mean, i brought lunch, so i am just eating at my desk but. still.

Sometimes in life people who you think are your friends show their true faces with their indifference.
It doesn't matter all the time and energy that i put into those things now,
when i sit here and wonder just how much i really mean to someone.
I wouldn't change all that i have done, mind you, i am generous- but i know that it
affects those whom i have yet to meet, and that i guess makes me sad.
I'm indifferent because i kind of suspected about this over a year ago
when the first signs began showing up. I wanted to give it space and time
and sure enough what i thought would happen has. It didn't come from me tho-
like i said at that christmas party so long ago, it never will.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last year my birthday was on a downtimes.
after everyone got their scenes, we went to this local bar
it was really cool because Lauren had got an ice cream cake for me
and i was happy to share it with everyone---
but conversations soon broke down into scenes and
i wound up at a separate table.

i remember wanting someone to dance with me
someone to kiss me and make me feel special.

One of the people who had noticed my melancholy sat next to me
and tried to cheer me up
i was trying to take baby steps then
before i could admit the full extent of what i suspected to myself and act in the real with my knowledge.
If i could go back in time and whisper in my own ear what i know now---
would i have done anything differently?

Not that it matters.

i can't believe i am getting emotional over it now--
has it seriously taken a whole year for this to affect me?
the urge to cry is so overwhelming right now.
i won't, i know i won't; but there is a little child inside of me
that just wants to hide and cry in hopes of finding that euphoric relief that follows....
i find for all that i love people
and know their love of me
sometimes i still feel so dreadfully alone and
unwanted.

i wish i were 400 miles away
i wish just once i could have something that i want in the ways that i want it

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:46:15 GMT

For those who remember Charlie Apple;
apparently she has a real life son who remodeled an apartment for some people.

I want to knock on their door and tell them they can't live there
that the apartment should be mine. LOL.

WOW.

I totally hope some day to be able to afford to hire this guy to help me renovate or create a space.

how awesome is that?

Meme

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:24:47 GMT

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished,post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you--

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:48:29 GMT

Happy Birthday madbane and mrod42!!!!!!
eeek! Happy Belated gsdestiny!!! I guess i got so caught up in baby-ness! (Happy Being Born to them!!!)
and Happy Belated to my Brother-in-Law Adam; may god bless and keep you while you're in Iraq
and Happy Early to RobB-K at MylostSoul and askdunsirn

O_O
That might cover the Geminis i know---
but no, LOL, not really.

Anyways
Many Happies my Lovelies and Many Returns!

Woot!

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 19:33:05 GMT

My self-assigned homework tonight is to make my own set of Photoshop Brushes for use on my postcards.
I think i want to do an Alphabet. If i do, i want to get A-E done tonight.

i like that i am tooling around and learning
i really ought to switch my focus to illustrator tho i feel--

we'll see.

^_^

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:04:36 GMT

Have i ever mentioned how unfond of buses i am?
Don't get me wrong, i know how useful and essential they are
but i hereby solemnly swear that i will not take any bus for distances outside of NY
unless it is Greyhound.

My ticket this weekend cost a little more than the Greyhound fare would have
but that was okay because Capital Trailways had a bus that was leaving closer to when i got out of work friday.
Oh how wrong i was.
First they canceled my bus at 5:30 and i had to wait until 7:30; effectively changing my arrival from 9:30 to 11:15
but then the driver (who was a good hearted man but oy, such a Nebish! Good God man, grow a set!)
turned around after one of the stops to go back for a passenger he spent 20 minutes arguing with about
not being able to take his ticket.
Granted, going back was the right thing to do but buddy; you should have let the guy on to begin with. srsly.

So i didn't get to where we were staying until 2am
the turn around pushed my arrival back to about midnight.
Then; on the return trip--- argh, it is so frustrating, even just to talk about it--
First, the driver doesn't leave on time because they sent a double.
So he has to talk the other driver through the route and then transfer all the locals to the double.
some passenger was still buying his ticket
so we were delayed even further.
we finally get on the road and i think
'Glorious, i sleep now!'
and did
for about a hot minute before we had to go catch up to the double
he freaking broke down.

So we recollect the locals and continue.
The bus was an oven.
it was nasty and sticky and
gross.
Then, every 15 minutes
the driver would pull us onto the shoulder and turn off and restart.
The system was overheating.
someone at the dispatch finally told him to up the AC from 65 to 70 and then we shouldn't have a problem
this was true
except that we were baking.

we make it to the next stop, now almost 40 minutes late.
our driver trades with the philadelphia driver
who asks me to leave my seat for an elder woman boarding the bus.
so i move to the back and the only seat available is behind this guy with a nose bleed
who keeps forcing the seat back and into my knees.
Mind you, i are short and can compact to fit in tiny spaces but
man alive
this frustrated me even more---
the little old woman didn't sit in my seat
instead
Mr last minute ticket purchaser who held us up initially and some fucking other guy
took my cushy, roomy front seat.

We should have gotten back to NYC at 7:30. It was 9:30 when we finally rolled up on the Port Auth.
i gotta get my drivey thing. i have to.

yet again i find myself wanting to go back in time--

the best part of the weekend was
the way my stresses and tensions were eased
five steps from the bus and i found my quarry
and suddenly
like a thousand butterflies taking flight all at once
i was okay again.

the most difficult part was moderating myself
of brokering between what was the present and the way i was feeling and
the shadows that the past has cast over me
that i cannot seem to eradicate.
I only hope for patience, i can only hope for understanding--
i am trying-
i am making my way towards it---
please don't stop and don't fade
please don't wonder
please feel secure and confident in your belief in me
please don't give up---

i think i need to explore my emotions more thoroughly before i can even begin to dissect them here---
perhaps i will see what tonight brings me...

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:41:38 GMT

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Superior

Take the test!

*snicker*
i really do need a hobby--

the sad thing is i totally answered truthfully.

Okay, perhaps not "sad," perhaps, "further proof that i was born in the wrong era"

expect more later, work calls...

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:39:29 GMT

My horoscope wednesday said that i would get done paying my bills later than i was trying to that day.

<_<

I paid them just now.
i guess that really is later... LOL.

reminds me, i have to give a check for mail order stuff purchase this week too. blarg. for a hot minute before next friday i will be poooooooor.

oooooor.

^_^

yay almost weekend!

*Edit:

On that note; i am paying T Mobile like 70 dollars a month for a phone i hardly use. The plan is supposed to be only 40 bucks a month but with service charges it rolls out to be so much insanely more. I have decided that when the new i-phone comes out, yah, i am totally going the way of the apple and indulging myself. If i am going to have a phone with no reception in the boonies i might as well have a nifty phone with no reception in the boonies. Right?

Not for Nothing

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:49:01 GMT

But if you happen to be a fan or come across a store in passing;

Today is Krispy Kreme Doughnut Day.
((Yes, that means free doughnuts ^_^))

Enjoy!

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:04:48 GMT

I call it: "Stars in her Morning Glories"

Perhaps another one later---

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:34:15 GMT

i tossed and turned all night last night--
something is wrong with me
i have been having the worst time falling asleep lately.

sometimes in my life there seems to be these huge spans of
disquiet
my blood roils and my system goes haywire and everything i thought i knew or was certain of
is thrown askew and sundered
and it feels like someone is inside of me with a backhoe
reaving my guts into bloody masses
completely unable to be detected by the human eye.

i'm really hoping it is something else
i am really hoping that it is just nervous energy generated by the stresses in my life

i think that i notice the unrest most when
i look at the vast collection of music i have and
can't find anything inspiring anymore
when songs and singers i love hold no appeal
when i will aimlessly drift through countless favorites and skip over them
because all i hear is discord and noise.

i notice it too when the compunction to hit my head against things seems logical
or that the desire to run away and disappear forever sounds like a plan--
perhaps it stems from the things that i procrastinate on
perhaps it stems from the wounds that life and people i have loved have given me

i wonder that the effects are just now starting to kick in
that it took me ten years of repeating the same mistake before it finally clicked to what i should be doing.

the thought that the pain is
the loss of my voice
that i cannot find the words to express properly how things make me feel
or to accurately describe who i am and what my nature is--

i think that it is telling me that i need to take my time
i need to search out all the loose ends that dangle before me
and come to conclusions and closure on historical and potential emotions
things filed under 'orbiting' status
those emotional entrapments which leave me exposed
and give me this nausea--

Reconcile your Heart, Miss Emily;
she's a tumultuous, treacherous beast
and she balks under what i am asking of her
sick to the bone of being sick
exhausted from the weight of the work involved
feebly clinging to the monolith of my truth
undermined constantly by my mind and its warped logic--

This is what happens when my mind races ahead of my heart
when unknown things dominate my thoughts instead of
the experiences i have
when my worries override my Zen.

o_O

oh sleep
tonight please come for me
and comfort me
and help me settle my emotions

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 13:27:49 GMT

Okay so.
I wish i had photoshop here at work.
i really would be so much more productive that way.

well. maybe not work productive work
but in making those postcards.

soon i will have enough for a gallery
^_^