i found a doodle today amoung my papers;
something hurtful which happened in a moment's breath-
the image of my heart breaking
and it's all my theme so far this year;
i am beginning to think i should burn everything i have done so far
and create a blank slate
a clear palette.

must everything always be so sad,
so little?

i've been ticking off the memories of the things i once felt
my heart so swelled up over the potential of a thing
and having walked so many roads
seen now where those potentials have failed or deflated;
how time and truth finds us weary,
older and a little more worn
still afraid to speak passionately 
trading small talk over whispers of coffee,
speaking emptily while the vitality escapes
until we drift away again into the dark black harbors of our thoughts
to listlessly float
in the endless night.

i recall the things which have slipped through my fingers
the maybes and what-ifs;
some of them, i can still taste the sweet tinge of hope
like a dream not held,
a dream fleet of foot upon waking;
instead of those dreams which hem upon reality
and splinter into terrible shards
when they leave you
raw and exposed
shaking.

 

deep in the cold i lay that night
trying to remember the path to sleep
trying to imagine what the purple grass might look like-
and how blue the sky-

i gather it to me.

i tried to count my breathing
and under winking stars of LED lights
i prayed for the green misty mountains
to take me into blissful dreams-

for those not on Facebook;



It's really more purple in real life:

what is there to sing to these days anyways?
what is it that life is doing to us;
a strike down; a hand up-

we shelter together like animals who have nothing left to be secure of-
we want to loose our identities and our sanities
and reject that which has been passed on to us.
so much of our lives seems to be cleaning up the mistakes of the generations before us;
of so much--
so much
lack of compassion;
of common knowledge
between doing the right thing and the wrong thing;
of sticking to principles which can be agreed upon.

simple things
such as
harm none.
i can agree to that.

time moves fleetingly past me
the new year is almost here.
i am grateful that the winter comes now;
the city always seems slower and more at it's ease
under the brisk chill of frozen nights...
i am glad to be tucked inside of my little rooms-
as if the world could go away so long as i was here..
but sometimes it is a sick queer feeling to have no reason to leave the house.
other times;
other times i just remain grateful for what seems like a little shelter.

amoung all of my things i realize that i have so many things;
little small fragments of lives i have lived
pieces and memories
bits of metal and glass-
and i have been busy making them into new memories;
objects of wonder and great love;
dedications-
like saying
this is something of myself;
something true.

that i still have so much to give.
sometimes it seems the more i have to give
the balance of feeling alone comes due.
these are not new things
these are just
sad ruminations...

i once had such beautiful words.

i think the last time i wrote something i really liked was ages ago-
and i know that it cannot have been so long ago that i had inspiration--
yet i look upon it and it has been years silent;
as if who i was disappeared somewhere-
and i am only now realizing that i had lost her....

spending the time
creating new things from these fragments
makes me feel a little more complete-
the little voices whisper in my ear-
as if i could somehow tap back into it--

i struggle sometimes with the logic
sometimes i know that there is a reason to be here
other times-
other times i cannot help but think that i am just always spinning my wheels
never meant to get very far.

when will i be able to turn around and see what i leave behind me
and be satisfied that it was whole and good and enough?
my useless words
fall off these pages;
drivel-
to me they seem teh words of someone who has always been kept from some great thing
as if truly there are some people for whom
there is no place.

i wonder what this world may yet have in store for me
and i wonder if my lesson to learn is patience...
i always feel as if i have no time
but i also feel as if so many things have been delayed-
put off or made for a someday and
when does that life start shaping up?
i am tired of seeking myself
of struggling just to be functioning-
i hate attempting to fit into places
that i clearly have no right to occupy.




i find myself always writing sentiments that i cannot bring myself to say-
pieces which break off and float away-
like truths that i must face.

but i don't want to play in these games;
isn't there something else that i could do?
cannot i come to some accord?

they won't have any of it
they say-
'wait.'
that is what they always say
until my heart gets in the way
and takes me from my solid course.

but even now she doesn't speak to me
and we sit in these listless waters
wandering the barrens
echoing inside against the emptiness.

i sing all the songs i know until i grow tired of them all.
and then i sit in my silences.



i am afraid of disappearing
of becoming worth nothing to no one
i am afraid to be forgotten
to be a non-entity
i wonder what is so wrong with my heart
that she must lay always so broken...
perhaps i have not always glued her back together;
perhaps i have always just reshaped the largest shard
until now
the slivers cut my fingers
as i try to hold those pieces up;
poor meager shield against
the furies of the storms----

tilting at windmills....

so tonight there were noises again and i called the police.
they talked to the family and it turns out the kid was sick and wouldn't take his medicine and go to bed.
i feel better having called and at least now it is on record.
i suppose if i continue to hear noises or sounds of abuse
i will just have to call again-
just because they saw nothing wrong tonight doesn't mean that everything is okay.

i feel i made the right choice;
i think when a child is involved you can never be too cautious or careful.

so that's my peace;
thank you everyone for your advice.
^_^

when i moved into my apartment;
the apartments above and directly next to me were not occupied at night;
above was under construction and next to me was the office.
someone has moved in next to me;
as far as i can tell, a woman, a man and a young child, perhaps-
perhaps two children, a baby around two and a child around fiveish.

the other morning as i lay against my wall i woke ot the sound of a
baby-like cry, such as a two year old
but also the deeper moaning-like cry of a child about fiveish
tho i had just been sleeping
so i can't be sure that they did not just both belong to the same kid.

that morning
i could hear the mother in hysterics, but those kind of
'i am so mad at you if you don't behave hysterics'
that seem to come from long drawn out battles--
i heard slapping, more child-like screams;
such as, the kind of scream you scream as a child when
your parent hits you in an effort to make you stop crying-
and-
then there was silence
and i didn't hear anything else.
maybe it was the lingering effects of the dream;
i can't really know--

but tonight...
the man in the room was loudly shouting at the child;
i can't tell the words-
and i heard distinctive sounds of hitting;
a slap more broad of hand than a child could possibly deliver-
followed by some sobbing, some kind of explanation and apology- from the child
and now it is quiet again.

Where does one interject?
does it make it seem 'big brother'esque if i call child services
on these people and maybe they are a good family with a difficult child?
what if they are hitting the walls or
the sounds i hear aren't the sounds of abuse;
just echoes?
and what if it is, or what if it gets worse?

"i saw the world flashing all around your face
never really knowing it was all
mesh and lace..."

the days slip by in many ways
some with brilliance and laughter between friends into the early morning
some in silence and solitude-
but each as gracious as the last
and for the first time in a long time
i feel contented and safe
even if it too shall be fleeting quick
before i am back and going a mile a minute again.

i cleaned my harddrive a little;
reduced the duplicates in my music collection and
went from 113GB to only 50GB.
apparently i had double and triple imported and copied some music files and
well- can't have that.
i suspect that i have lots of duplicates of some pictures too
so at some point i'll pick a cleaning software and see if i can't get more space back.

there is a kind of wholeness i feel...
further reaffirmation that i am exactly where i should be
and doing exactly what i ought to be doing...

i am trying not to be nervous about settling into this apartment
to make my life seem more than just a transience upon waking-
all of these pieces, shards-
being made into something whole.

i played around with some designs for holiday gifts;
there are lots of things in the offing now-
i am surrounded by boxes and fabrics and pieces of things
and like my life
i am putting them together in beautiful
kind of lopsided ways.
each little one though guarantees at least a smile;
and i hope maybe to kender my mother's old pinking shears
when i go home over this weekend.

O_O
thanksgiving.
man alive, already?
the time moves faster than i do i suppose;
and i am thankful that i have so many families to be a part of this year;
those who i am not with know that i am there with them in spirit
and
i will get to see many many many of them as well.



going through my old journals and old files of mine;
recently-
has acquainted me with so many feelings that are strange to me now
and
many times as i read i think
'is this really what i thought at the time?'
because some of it focuses on minutia when the larger issues i remember having
are swept aside or not even mentioned.
how is it that my recollections are so notedly different than
what i had written there at the time
in the moment?
still
much of it has a passion and a fire that
these days are
so lack and subtle.

i caught a glimpse of it
i mean
there is being crafty and then there is
being inspired
it is that internal struggle with onesself;
saying
'i am worth this?'
'what am i worth?'
true inspiration is
walking that line of desires
where you try to argue yourself out of what it is that you want
but can not ever have.
it's that longing;
that spark
when you can feel your body turn against you
where your heart and your mind divide and
you stagger
that
you cannot be happy
without
that which is
your muse....

but perhaps those are only the notions of someone
still floundering;
someone still struggling just to believe.

that is not to say that i am not happy;
i have in my life many things to believe in and many reasons that stand up
against anything and everything
things that keep me rooted
and while i can grow good and strong under them
it still doesn't change
what blooms
and when
so
until then
it is always going to be
churning
churning
an argument
a feeling like
having survived is no longer
good enough.


but as i said
i catch glimpses of it
for a moment my mind wanders and the words start to come;
'as i watch my love lay sleeping--'
but
what after that?
it hangs there in that moment
a line of what is true
suspended in the air
and
for it i have nothing else.
without further voice
it is just a fleeting moment.
yet even for them i am grateful
spending so much time in silence
it is nice to know
that not all is lost to me.

Granted:

–verb (used with object)
1. to bestow or confer, esp. by a formal act: to grant a charter.
2. to give or accord: to grant permission.
3. to agree or accede to: to grant a request.
4. to admit or concede; accept for the sake of argument: I grant that point.
5. to transfer or convey, esp. by deed or writing: to grant property.

–noun
6. something granted, as a privilege or right, a sum of money, or a tract of land: Several major foundations made large grants to fund the research project.
7. the act of granting.
8. Law. a transfer of property.
9. a geographical unit in Vermont, Maine, and New Hampshire, originally a grant of land to a person or group of people.

—Idiom
10. take for granted,
a. to accept without question or objection; assume: Your loyalty to the cause is taken for granted.
b. to use, accept, or treat in a careless or indifferent manner: A marriage can be headed for trouble if either spouse begins to take the other for granted.


Origin:
1175–1225; ME gra(u)nten < OF graunter, var. of crëanter < VL *credentāre, v. deriv. of L crēdent-, s. of crēdēns, prp. of crēdere to believe

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it has never mattered;
these shoulders;
these eyes, ears-
the words of this mouth
formed by this heart
engendering the flame within my soul.
they have never mattered;
they are not slender and inspiring
they are not important or shining
they are not seductive and lithe-
they do not shake in frailty or uncertainty;
they simply remain square to what they believe
set against all that would serve to hurt, harangue or otherwise damage-
but in the moment they are no longer needed;
they do not matter.

what about me?
i thought the other day--
what about everything that i do?
but i overstep;
i am not even--
i forget that i don't matter.
i am not on the radar
i am not-

i trace circles.
i lace lines
spend a thousand lifetimes attempting to define myself-
and always get to the bottom of the glass
seeing the same truths
in each one.

have i done this to myself or is this simply that
i cannot escape my fate?
do i arrive here because i have lived by my values or
do i arrive here because there is something inherently flawed with me?
is it that no one can see me, really?
or do they see me and just see that i am not anything special?
am i not special?
how is it that anyone can make me question myself?

unsent letters scatter across my floor
like so many fallen leaves...

'i am condemned to write you a thousand letters and never finish one of them...'

half written journals;
scraps of lives i have lived
paths i have walked away from
choices i have made
things i have chosen instead to express in action rather than words--
and alone here
the tragic result
of careful dancing....

i say 'just this'
but i am lying-
really inside my vacuum still devours
and constantly i wish for more.
i balance between even grateful for a taste to
bitterly sorrowful to have such empty hands--

and soon too
even they shall not be able to reach me;
soon too the world will turn on its axis and churn out some great change-
and i will set my feet down and walk along the path that it creates
i have never looked back.

i will always be here;
won't i?
i will always be reliable to fall back upon
i will always be the comfort
the familiar
the safe-
to use, accept and treat in an indifferent manner;
because that is what i am
aren't i?
the reserves-
and i don't feel-
neither hurt nor pain nor cold nor heat-
i don't feel bruised or brushed aside
i don't feel worthless
or as if i know the real truth
and simply swallow it
delusional that somehow god would watch over me
and guide my path towards
what i deserve.

it keeps coming to nothing;
you know.
each path a dead end-
each one reaching a point where i cannot stay
it is not me
it is not me.

it was blissful to be there and help my sister with my nephew's birthday;
the look on his face;
the dozen or so tiny little people who were
'in charge'
for one day
playing in the bounce-house and
sharing the 'lightning mcqueen' power wheels-
explaining to their parents why i colored my hair pink
and that no
i am not a mom;
just fascinated by the way that children see the world.

one of the things i always try to do when there are little eyes and ears and hands and minds
around me
is to pay close attention to their mannerisms-
to seek eye contact and to ask them questions-
it helps them learn to focus and to learn how to ask about something thoroughly.
it's hard; at some stages of development there is no comprehension of logic
like they are just jangly tangled bundles of nerves and inputs and outputs
that all wiggle around trying to find their definition
and the definition of the world around them;
that our species from these tiny beings
each have grown up from
and the things we have seen accomplished each in our lifetimes--
as well as what we as the adults in their lives teach them;
do we teach them patience and understanding;
or can we not get past our own stresses;
can we not see the need to put our children forward
of our own agendas?
is it more important to have a child that obeys
or a child that learns how to integrate as a socially conscious member of a familial unit?
short tempers only lead to short tempers; and so forth...

------------------
little girls and older women have all been stopping me to talk to me about my pink hair;
and two girls who i admire this weekend recommended Special Effects dye over
other brands
for longevity and intensity;
so perhaps if i go into manhattan this week i will see if any of the ricky's have restocked
the color i want.
honest; i haven't felt this much like who i am in such a long time-
i have to be certain not to get sick on the hope
and focus
and continue to be grateful;
which i am-

my life is filled with all kinds of things that make it both bitter and sweet;
and last night, walking up the stairs out in the cold mountain air
i said a thought of thanks;
for we always say 'god damn it' or 'please god'
when we are frustrated or we need something
and never
simply
'thank you'
or
'i am for all of this, yes; all of this- grateful.'
and i am-
to god;
to those who watch over me
to that idea that the universe balances
and that
good things come to good people.
i can't even say how often
my depression circles back to my thoughts of being unworthy
or of not being a good person
of serving the sentence of some unspoken crime;
simply for my existence-
but then
the world reminds me that i am just another person within it-
walking their path
finding the place where they belong.

there were a few people at the party saturday night that i wanted to get to talk to more
but
well
with that many people so beloved in one room
to speak thoroughly to them all is impossible.
but
hearing the snippets;
the memory of lifetimes
and a good dozen years of friendships-
summer companions and
artist philosophers-
it just makes me proud-
my folk;
the people whose values; hobbies and beliefs are
their passions-
who live and die by the rules that they write
the codes that they live by-
or by the chaos that they harness and
tossle with;
mastering their demons
and
bringing their realities into existence sometimes by strength of their will alone;
i used to say;
'wolves who walk with me...'

i tread lightly upon this ground;
taking the lessons that my friends have helped me learn
always trying to take a place of support amoung them
to say
for my life i walk here beside you
so long as we may-
for that is all we are allotted. 

at the party;
someone had a bottle of the Honeyrun Elderberry Mead-
so-
this is just significant to only me;
but-
see-
Kim and i went to preschool together;
as we can often be found chortling drunkenly at many parties about-
and i moved away from Warwick when i was 7;
and lost touch with all of those kids i had known-
we had moved to California;
to a little town called Chico;
which
is where Honeyrun Mead is made;
on the Honeyrun Covered Bridge and Estate;
a summer swimming hole
where i acquired many scraped knees and
tasted thousands of honeysuckles--
so-
that these things all circle back around;
such signs that speak to being in the right place
in the places where i am actually meant to be-
such fate
such 'bashert' moments-
that after being so young and away for so long;
to come back
rediscover that not only have we known each other for so long
but also too that
we have shared friends, hobbies; joys and sorrows similar and same
destined one way or another to have found one another-
coincidence or intelligent design;
the wheel of fate or
honestly not that unusual-
these are the things that speak to me.

-----------------------
i was very talkative this weekend.
i think i talked more this weekend than i have all year.
but i feel more expressive now than i have felt in a long time
almost as if i have stories to tell again
or things to say.
i find myself more often being happy
i hear a significantly simpler and quieter melody
but i think that another part of me has become solid;
that i passed some one of life's many trials
and
now coast into smoother;
more even waters-
there are still many things i want;
that i cannot find
that i find unfulfilled in my life-
but these kinds of weekends
soothe me
remind me that it is steps
and i can only take one at a time
and as they come to me
there will be more stones-
the path leads on.



i suppose that i have to pay attention to my own inner set of eyes and ears and mind and hands-
ask my own questions of myself thoroughly;
ensure that i am truly living and doing the things that make me happy
and not spending time on things that damage me
anymore.

life is good;
and i am exhausted.
tomorrow; scanning some unsent letters.
will i send them now?
time will tell.
^_^
peace and love;
my apologies for crazy ramblings--

i know i have been lapse here;
since i lost my job i have been kind of floating through as the
fog that has surrounded me fades away
and
reality settles in.
there is so much hope on the table before me;
and i remain grateful for each scent of something delectable;
as if part of some larger melody;
but i cannot help but feel
like a small insignificant child
who is just playing at adult things.

but i am not-
a memory sometimes which strikes me
the lingering sting
taking the wind out of my sails and
bringing my feet back down to earth.

Sometime next week i imagine that i will be painting.
already lines rise unbidden
strokes of color seem to appear
telling me where they belong on the canvas and i feel astounded
because
i have no canvases-
i am trying to make
all lines open for communication
no matter how it will come down--

and i can feel it coming
it might break pieces of me but
they need to be broken
like
michaelangelo removing
what was not part of
the piece that lay truly within.

that thought gives me courage
where once i thought
i was just scrap--
it makes it easier to get through this;
and become who i really am meant to be.

or more appropriately;

There is a kind of listlessness to my days;
i have been either going through the things of my past or
rapidly awaiting instructions on this new path i am to walk.

my emotions are all tied up around many things
the chaos of this summer
the impact of all of the events
the waves it has sent against my shores
sandcastles
toppled.

the ending of summer is always sad.

autumn seems at a miss as well
as if something is absent
or knowing that
the year feels hollow
everything feels hollow
despite this sad hope that
a new door is open.

a new door might be opening
that much is true
but to step across the threshold is to close off another possible
a choice means another change
and changes always uproot
shift everything around.

i feel as if years have passed in the past six months-
like the full spectrum of things have happened
and that i am just lost in amoungst it all.

Somewhere at the wedding made of magic;
with the faerie curse upon my feet to dance all night
i bruised the heel of my foot
and have been steadily trying to recover it
by not doing much walking or stair climbing-
yesterday's little jaunt all around NYC and up and down lots of flights of stairs
kinda
rebruised it-
it was almost at the point where it was alright;
but by the time i got onto the bed last night
i could barely put pressure on it and had to kind of hop-skip around.
i was so worried that it was something worse that i barely slept last night too--
but this morning after my shower
it seemed that i could stand on it again
and once i got walking
it hasn't been so bad.

i went out to 38th today to find fabric for a halloween costume for my sister-
i found a lovely green velvet for the dress
and a matching green and blue embroidered fabric for the over-piece;
and a length of matching blue velvet trim to tie it all together. 
i really hope that she likes what i picked; i will try to get a shot of it finished on the hanger tonight when i get it done. 
I got some grey velvet for myself to have for something or other-
and i also found an inexpensive, slightly discolored piece of the softest mustard-yellow buffalo hide;
it's big enough that i could make a vest or a goodly sized satchel;
and since it is discolored i could also paint on it and not feel guilty-
there is one corner of it tho that has black magic marker of the color info written on it-
that makes me angry;
who does that?

i still don't know what i am going to be for halloween.
i should have had an idea by now-
i thought of making a copy of what i am doing for my sister but my heart's not in it-
i was kinda inspired by the grey velvet but by itself i can't think of anything. 
i have lots of it tho;
good lord
four yards
and it's like five feet wide too---

ah well.

i am gonna get to work on my sister's....
maybe i will find inspiration as it's taking shape...

<3

for people who aren't on facebook;
A sample from the long awaited sewing machine:



and



The costuming shall now begin... 

^_^

So because i am a good aunt and an even better sister
i had traveled once again into the jersey wilds (read, Belmar)
to come sit my nephew while he was out sick from school.
This time is was a scratch on his cornea.  Poor Kid!

I have to say, i miss the vibrancy and brilliance of children-
we played in their 'about big enough for a family BBQ' backyard
whacking golf balls, blowing bubbles and playing 'chase me'
watched Madagasgar 2 three times and he went down for his nap like a dream.
we played play-dough and fingerpaint and crayons and
then went for pizza
and they dropped me off at the train--

Practically the whole time with him we were laughing and making faces and talking to each other
he told me a whole series of events about the day before
and
i asked him lots of questions
and answered all of his--
the world through new eyes!

We were outside and some clouds blew by and he said that one was a boom
meaning
boomerang;
which i asked him and he said 'right, yeah, a boom'
and then as we looked at the others we saw fishes and sharks-
at one point we were on the hammock in the back yard
and
we were looking at the house
and
i was asking him what color his house was
and
we went over lots of color choices
but then he started to talk about how
he loved 'that blue;
that big shape
that's blue- there--'
meaning of course
the sky
and
it was all very adorable.

All of my Sister and Brother-in-laws dandelions ended up behind my glasses and then
pulled apart to tiny pieces-
and he was talking about what we were going to do tomorrow
when it broke my heart to have to go-
sincerely;
i can't wait to go back and sit him again
^_^

Tomorrow my machine will arrive
and i will get a call when it gets here
and
i will get the chance at least to thread the sewing machine side of it
and maybe
see if i can monogram something
or just test it
before the threads arrive on saturday.
O_O
i am tremulously excited about getting that package tomorrow
and here i find myself at four am
wide and awake
and
having not slept at all last night either
due to some
late night coffee on the train out there.

oh well;
my bed is behind me and soon enough i shall fall into it.

i had some company for a little while;
i made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting and we watched a movie
but my companions leave me to my sort of insomnia and
i am or it a little glad.
the insomnia means two things;
a;
i have restored my ability to get as much sleep at a time as my body feels it needs to run as long as it will run at a time
and
b. in thus doing so i might be able to get back my midnight hour inspirations
those moments of genius when the world begins carouseling
and we stumble from it some days later having come away with some gem;
some revelation or art
some feat we are wholly proud of.

i'm to posting my sign again now that i am back and
then it's sleep
i promise;
sleep and sleep
and
something wonderful tomorrow.

^_^

they've turned the heat on in my building;
which is good, since it was about the same temperature as outside for a little while
but now it is so warm and toasty that i am sweating just sitting here. 
I was going to make window covers for fear of the cold
but now i might just have to crack one or two to get this place to
the level i like it.

it's been really nice to catch up on sleep and to let my tension go.
i was even able to go out on monday and see some of my old friends;
an activity that social stress and exhaustion and depression had robbed me of
(the depression does that from time to time throughout my whole life)

i made a fabulous chicken soup this week;
with spiral pastas
there is still half a pot left
which i might add some tomatoes to
and maybe morph it into a minestrone or something-
the great thing about soup ^_^
it cost me 18 dollars to make
and has fed me since tuesdayish.

i also made brownies
which went to the 'cheer up sashy' movement;
and were promptly devoured.

i was going to get the things to make pie;
but
brownies seemed like enough.

maybe pie next week?
it could also have been that most of my baking habits involve the word 'scratch' and i just didn't have the heart to find the frozen pie crusts
since pie crust is really the best way to have your pie stand out amoung other pies;
tho pilsbury makes a decent crust
i must perfect mine
and
i have no surface large enough to roll it out properly
nor a glass pie dish-
whatever the reasons
it has to wait some time
tho if i get testy for homemade noms
i might buy a graham cracker crust shell and make a crumble.

the unemployed life has been really awesome;
i am really really glad that life worked out this way-
i have an appointment on the 28th in flushing to go for the application for a grant for the retraining program

i have been having strange dreams
dreams of unresolved issues
things i didn't get to say or do before it was too late
opportunities that life has prevented me from acting on
things that have slipped through my fingers-
they are haunting and fleeting;
and when i wake i feel like i have a new acceptance and understanding
so even that is not terrible.

i got a new scanner
and have been playing with it a little;
posting up some newer artwork on facebook and
playing with it in photoshop-
it's exciting to know too that a new sewing machine is on it's way to me
as well as thread for it and it's embroidery counterpart-
just in time to make something unique for halloween;
and for the first time in years i will actually have time to make a halloween costume!

i am grateful for every moment i have-

i hope in the next weeks
to scan up some more things
journals, doodles
all kinds of ephemera
and work on my website
see what i can come up with-
i will be sure to post as i feel it gets closer to what i want
and yeah
i guess that's really it.

<3

decisions so ingrained into the heart and soul that they seem so simple to enact.
act upon your instinct
follow your heart to your most true choices-
yet ever we pander down to it
we reduce it to
the rubble and the ashes-

and we find ourselves so jaded that
we laugh at the hope...

it was bright
it was bright
it was brief-
it hurts...

life calls;
doesn't twist the knife as you do-

always just enough rope to hang myself.

someday i will be phenomenally whole or
brilliantly shattered-
perhaps i will forever be caught turning inside of my self from being one
or
the other
like a collapsing black hole...

i destroy myself.

that's the bottom line right?
something whose nature it is to destroy itself
doesn't deserve to evolve;
does it?
it's atrocious
it's inhuman
monstrous-
abhorrent
it dies
and does not survive-

my very life is unnatural-
on borrowed time

who am i to trust my supposed instincts?
they tell me to maroon myself--

i close my eyes and exhale and
i try to tell my wounded heart that it is really exhaustion which pulls it so down
and she says to me
yes emily of course it is;
did you think it was anything else?

i am tired...

there was a story i had wanted to tell...
i have no one to listen to them anymore-
do they have no merit?
are they of no worth?

i recall the taste of your skin
i am speechless to my desire-
it confounds me and i cannot answer to it-

i am back from Crystal's wedding and i have been trying to get my groove back on.
these three days
(today, tomorrow and after)
are all dedicated to a thorough cleaning of my apartment.
i really hope tonight to be able to run the mop over my bedroom floor and
eviscerate the dust bunnies that have been hiding under there.
By wednesday i hope to have the laundry ready to go and done-
all the dishes cleaned
and
all cardboard duly sorted
everything in its home-

i bought three bookcase/shelf things
three sets of collapsing fabric boxes
and another hamper
and earlier Julie and Sasha were here helping me sort and straighten-

i am so singly focused;
i've decided not to 'go out' until
the place is nice enough to bring in strangers.

i wish i had my hutch--

my place really looks more like a giant closet than it does an apartment;
i think it is kind of funny
since closets and secret places were always my favorite-
i really want this place to be like a hidden trove.

i just want to get all of my things sorted out
having moved always to new places all my life
and not being able to truly ever be put into some kind of order.

i paid off my credit card.
i am going to make a payment to sallie mae that ought to last for the next year--
and pay my phone bill off until january.
i still haven't received unemployment, it may come this week
but i did get all my pay, my benefit pre-paid balance;
that kind of stuff...
and my cash-out on my 401k.
it makes me sad to cash it out but honestly
i need to have access to it to get my life into any semblance of proper
this time was building to a precipice
and now that i have it i am not going to waste it sitting around.

and i can tell already that i am not-
tomorrow i know i will wake up early
and make coffee
and
wrap up a significant amount of the cleaning

if i can have this place in order by thursday
i want to see about getting a scanner

i posted my pictures of paris to facebook finally;
and i am preparing to post my birthday;
cyrstal's shower
and
perhaps even Gencon;
but i am woefully lack in pictures
having attended so many events
with such talented photogs at my side...

i do wish i had a few more of Crystals wedding and of the center pieces;
Atlantis went missing and
I do believe someone walked off with Westeros;
it had an earring on it that
was part of my gift to the bride and groom-

LOL

i suppose it doesn't matter greatly;
certainly i can recreate them
and
now i have a good standard design template
to make models to represent items i could make--

dancing at the wedding was amazing
and fun-
the whole thing spoke of enchantment
of
love
of deep family and
of the achievements of hopes that at times had seemed
impossible
there
was so much there
that night
in the castle
and
spirits
the world
and all of the songs
were in unison for
all of these moments
and
they continue their fairy tale in
venice--

i saw them off as far as i could
before
returning.

i bought
two pieces of blue pottery
and now when crystal and i have tea
i can serve her from them
with my other old dishes.

silly things
but things that enchant
nevertheless.

my wings hang on the wall
and all the costumes are hung and put away;

the glitter swept now--
and the night
still feeling young and
waiting.


 

148 paper leaves cover my apartment floor
having been glittered and glued-

the labyrinth
oz
narnia
prydain
olympus and
wonderland
sit in my kitchen
done;
plans for neverland and
fantasia
sitting;
letting glue dry.

they are all magical-
10 or so more
for tomorrow
and while i am out of glue sticks
i am not yet out of ideas
and
tomorrow is another day--

~_^

someday i will wake in the morning
to not rough circumstances
to things that do not cause me pain.
someday my morning will mean
a pot of coffee
eggs any style
the first rays of the morning sun
and the sound of roosters, chickens-
someday i will be able to take deep breaths.

am i a fool to want these things?

my day would begin with the sun
with the joys of the everyday things
cooking breakfast for myself and others;
the sounds of the world waking around me
i would set an immaculate table
bake the love right into morning biscuits-
i would be sleepy hugs and the sound on the radio of
songs which put one into a happy mood--
after everyone is off to their day
then i clean and begin to prepare for when they return;

i feel empty now
vacuous
as if there is within me a pit of self destruction just getting wider
and it will only be a matter of time before i fall in through it
and wreck upon despair.

i go so far on the back and forth of being simultaneously okay and not okay
that each time i reach the extremities-
i am unsure what really to do.