i know i have been lapse here;
since i lost my job i have been kind of floating through as the
fog that has surrounded me fades away
and
reality settles in.
there is so much hope on the table before me;
and i remain grateful for each scent of something delectable;
as if part of some larger melody;
but i cannot help but feel
like a small insignificant child
who is just playing at adult things.

but i am not-
a memory sometimes which strikes me
the lingering sting
taking the wind out of my sails and
bringing my feet back down to earth.

Sometime next week i imagine that i will be painting.
already lines rise unbidden
strokes of color seem to appear
telling me where they belong on the canvas and i feel astounded
because
i have no canvases-
i am trying to make
all lines open for communication
no matter how it will come down--

and i can feel it coming
it might break pieces of me but
they need to be broken
like
michaelangelo removing
what was not part of
the piece that lay truly within.

that thought gives me courage
where once i thought
i was just scrap--
it makes it easier to get through this;
and become who i really am meant to be.

or more appropriately;

There is a kind of listlessness to my days;
i have been either going through the things of my past or
rapidly awaiting instructions on this new path i am to walk.

my emotions are all tied up around many things
the chaos of this summer
the impact of all of the events
the waves it has sent against my shores
sandcastles
toppled.

the ending of summer is always sad.

autumn seems at a miss as well
as if something is absent
or knowing that
the year feels hollow
everything feels hollow
despite this sad hope that
a new door is open.

a new door might be opening
that much is true
but to step across the threshold is to close off another possible
a choice means another change
and changes always uproot
shift everything around.

i feel as if years have passed in the past six months-
like the full spectrum of things have happened
and that i am just lost in amoungst it all.

Somewhere at the wedding made of magic;
with the faerie curse upon my feet to dance all night
i bruised the heel of my foot
and have been steadily trying to recover it
by not doing much walking or stair climbing-
yesterday's little jaunt all around NYC and up and down lots of flights of stairs
kinda
rebruised it-
it was almost at the point where it was alright;
but by the time i got onto the bed last night
i could barely put pressure on it and had to kind of hop-skip around.
i was so worried that it was something worse that i barely slept last night too--
but this morning after my shower
it seemed that i could stand on it again
and once i got walking
it hasn't been so bad.

i went out to 38th today to find fabric for a halloween costume for my sister-
i found a lovely green velvet for the dress
and a matching green and blue embroidered fabric for the over-piece;
and a length of matching blue velvet trim to tie it all together. 
i really hope that she likes what i picked; i will try to get a shot of it finished on the hanger tonight when i get it done. 
I got some grey velvet for myself to have for something or other-
and i also found an inexpensive, slightly discolored piece of the softest mustard-yellow buffalo hide;
it's big enough that i could make a vest or a goodly sized satchel;
and since it is discolored i could also paint on it and not feel guilty-
there is one corner of it tho that has black magic marker of the color info written on it-
that makes me angry;
who does that?

i still don't know what i am going to be for halloween.
i should have had an idea by now-
i thought of making a copy of what i am doing for my sister but my heart's not in it-
i was kinda inspired by the grey velvet but by itself i can't think of anything. 
i have lots of it tho;
good lord
four yards
and it's like five feet wide too---

ah well.

i am gonna get to work on my sister's....
maybe i will find inspiration as it's taking shape...

<3

for people who aren't on facebook;
A sample from the long awaited sewing machine:



and



The costuming shall now begin... 

^_^

So because i am a good aunt and an even better sister
i had traveled once again into the jersey wilds (read, Belmar)
to come sit my nephew while he was out sick from school.
This time is was a scratch on his cornea.  Poor Kid!

I have to say, i miss the vibrancy and brilliance of children-
we played in their 'about big enough for a family BBQ' backyard
whacking golf balls, blowing bubbles and playing 'chase me'
watched Madagasgar 2 three times and he went down for his nap like a dream.
we played play-dough and fingerpaint and crayons and
then went for pizza
and they dropped me off at the train--

Practically the whole time with him we were laughing and making faces and talking to each other
he told me a whole series of events about the day before
and
i asked him lots of questions
and answered all of his--
the world through new eyes!

We were outside and some clouds blew by and he said that one was a boom
meaning
boomerang;
which i asked him and he said 'right, yeah, a boom'
and then as we looked at the others we saw fishes and sharks-
at one point we were on the hammock in the back yard
and
we were looking at the house
and
i was asking him what color his house was
and
we went over lots of color choices
but then he started to talk about how
he loved 'that blue;
that big shape
that's blue- there--'
meaning of course
the sky
and
it was all very adorable.

All of my Sister and Brother-in-laws dandelions ended up behind my glasses and then
pulled apart to tiny pieces-
and he was talking about what we were going to do tomorrow
when it broke my heart to have to go-
sincerely;
i can't wait to go back and sit him again
^_^

Tomorrow my machine will arrive
and i will get a call when it gets here
and
i will get the chance at least to thread the sewing machine side of it
and maybe
see if i can monogram something
or just test it
before the threads arrive on saturday.
O_O
i am tremulously excited about getting that package tomorrow
and here i find myself at four am
wide and awake
and
having not slept at all last night either
due to some
late night coffee on the train out there.

oh well;
my bed is behind me and soon enough i shall fall into it.

i had some company for a little while;
i made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting and we watched a movie
but my companions leave me to my sort of insomnia and
i am or it a little glad.
the insomnia means two things;
a;
i have restored my ability to get as much sleep at a time as my body feels it needs to run as long as it will run at a time
and
b. in thus doing so i might be able to get back my midnight hour inspirations
those moments of genius when the world begins carouseling
and we stumble from it some days later having come away with some gem;
some revelation or art
some feat we are wholly proud of.

i'm to posting my sign again now that i am back and
then it's sleep
i promise;
sleep and sleep
and
something wonderful tomorrow.

^_^

they've turned the heat on in my building;
which is good, since it was about the same temperature as outside for a little while
but now it is so warm and toasty that i am sweating just sitting here. 
I was going to make window covers for fear of the cold
but now i might just have to crack one or two to get this place to
the level i like it.

it's been really nice to catch up on sleep and to let my tension go.
i was even able to go out on monday and see some of my old friends;
an activity that social stress and exhaustion and depression had robbed me of
(the depression does that from time to time throughout my whole life)

i made a fabulous chicken soup this week;
with spiral pastas
there is still half a pot left
which i might add some tomatoes to
and maybe morph it into a minestrone or something-
the great thing about soup ^_^
it cost me 18 dollars to make
and has fed me since tuesdayish.

i also made brownies
which went to the 'cheer up sashy' movement;
and were promptly devoured.

i was going to get the things to make pie;
but
brownies seemed like enough.

maybe pie next week?
it could also have been that most of my baking habits involve the word 'scratch' and i just didn't have the heart to find the frozen pie crusts
since pie crust is really the best way to have your pie stand out amoung other pies;
tho pilsbury makes a decent crust
i must perfect mine
and
i have no surface large enough to roll it out properly
nor a glass pie dish-
whatever the reasons
it has to wait some time
tho if i get testy for homemade noms
i might buy a graham cracker crust shell and make a crumble.

the unemployed life has been really awesome;
i am really really glad that life worked out this way-
i have an appointment on the 28th in flushing to go for the application for a grant for the retraining program

i have been having strange dreams
dreams of unresolved issues
things i didn't get to say or do before it was too late
opportunities that life has prevented me from acting on
things that have slipped through my fingers-
they are haunting and fleeting;
and when i wake i feel like i have a new acceptance and understanding
so even that is not terrible.

i got a new scanner
and have been playing with it a little;
posting up some newer artwork on facebook and
playing with it in photoshop-
it's exciting to know too that a new sewing machine is on it's way to me
as well as thread for it and it's embroidery counterpart-
just in time to make something unique for halloween;
and for the first time in years i will actually have time to make a halloween costume!

i am grateful for every moment i have-

i hope in the next weeks
to scan up some more things
journals, doodles
all kinds of ephemera
and work on my website
see what i can come up with-
i will be sure to post as i feel it gets closer to what i want
and yeah
i guess that's really it.

<3

decisions so ingrained into the heart and soul that they seem so simple to enact.
act upon your instinct
follow your heart to your most true choices-
yet ever we pander down to it
we reduce it to
the rubble and the ashes-

and we find ourselves so jaded that
we laugh at the hope...

it was bright
it was bright
it was brief-
it hurts...

life calls;
doesn't twist the knife as you do-

always just enough rope to hang myself.

someday i will be phenomenally whole or
brilliantly shattered-
perhaps i will forever be caught turning inside of my self from being one
or
the other
like a collapsing black hole...

i destroy myself.

that's the bottom line right?
something whose nature it is to destroy itself
doesn't deserve to evolve;
does it?
it's atrocious
it's inhuman
monstrous-
abhorrent
it dies
and does not survive-

my very life is unnatural-
on borrowed time

who am i to trust my supposed instincts?
they tell me to maroon myself--

i close my eyes and exhale and
i try to tell my wounded heart that it is really exhaustion which pulls it so down
and she says to me
yes emily of course it is;
did you think it was anything else?

i am tired...

there was a story i had wanted to tell...
i have no one to listen to them anymore-
do they have no merit?
are they of no worth?

i recall the taste of your skin
i am speechless to my desire-
it confounds me and i cannot answer to it-

i am back from Crystal's wedding and i have been trying to get my groove back on.
these three days
(today, tomorrow and after)
are all dedicated to a thorough cleaning of my apartment.
i really hope tonight to be able to run the mop over my bedroom floor and
eviscerate the dust bunnies that have been hiding under there.
By wednesday i hope to have the laundry ready to go and done-
all the dishes cleaned
and
all cardboard duly sorted
everything in its home-

i bought three bookcase/shelf things
three sets of collapsing fabric boxes
and another hamper
and earlier Julie and Sasha were here helping me sort and straighten-

i am so singly focused;
i've decided not to 'go out' until
the place is nice enough to bring in strangers.

i wish i had my hutch--

my place really looks more like a giant closet than it does an apartment;
i think it is kind of funny
since closets and secret places were always my favorite-
i really want this place to be like a hidden trove.

i just want to get all of my things sorted out
having moved always to new places all my life
and not being able to truly ever be put into some kind of order.

i paid off my credit card.
i am going to make a payment to sallie mae that ought to last for the next year--
and pay my phone bill off until january.
i still haven't received unemployment, it may come this week
but i did get all my pay, my benefit pre-paid balance;
that kind of stuff...
and my cash-out on my 401k.
it makes me sad to cash it out but honestly
i need to have access to it to get my life into any semblance of proper
this time was building to a precipice
and now that i have it i am not going to waste it sitting around.

and i can tell already that i am not-
tomorrow i know i will wake up early
and make coffee
and
wrap up a significant amount of the cleaning

if i can have this place in order by thursday
i want to see about getting a scanner

i posted my pictures of paris to facebook finally;
and i am preparing to post my birthday;
cyrstal's shower
and
perhaps even Gencon;
but i am woefully lack in pictures
having attended so many events
with such talented photogs at my side...

i do wish i had a few more of Crystals wedding and of the center pieces;
Atlantis went missing and
I do believe someone walked off with Westeros;
it had an earring on it that
was part of my gift to the bride and groom-

LOL

i suppose it doesn't matter greatly;
certainly i can recreate them
and
now i have a good standard design template
to make models to represent items i could make--

dancing at the wedding was amazing
and fun-
the whole thing spoke of enchantment
of
love
of deep family and
of the achievements of hopes that at times had seemed
impossible
there
was so much there
that night
in the castle
and
spirits
the world
and all of the songs
were in unison for
all of these moments
and
they continue their fairy tale in
venice--

i saw them off as far as i could
before
returning.

i bought
two pieces of blue pottery
and now when crystal and i have tea
i can serve her from them
with my other old dishes.

silly things
but things that enchant
nevertheless.

my wings hang on the wall
and all the costumes are hung and put away;

the glitter swept now--
and the night
still feeling young and
waiting.


 

148 paper leaves cover my apartment floor
having been glittered and glued-

the labyrinth
oz
narnia
prydain
olympus and
wonderland
sit in my kitchen
done;
plans for neverland and
fantasia
sitting;
letting glue dry.

they are all magical-
10 or so more
for tomorrow
and while i am out of glue sticks
i am not yet out of ideas
and
tomorrow is another day--

~_^

someday i will wake in the morning
to not rough circumstances
to things that do not cause me pain.
someday my morning will mean
a pot of coffee
eggs any style
the first rays of the morning sun
and the sound of roosters, chickens-
someday i will be able to take deep breaths.

am i a fool to want these things?

my day would begin with the sun
with the joys of the everyday things
cooking breakfast for myself and others;
the sounds of the world waking around me
i would set an immaculate table
bake the love right into morning biscuits-
i would be sleepy hugs and the sound on the radio of
songs which put one into a happy mood--
after everyone is off to their day
then i clean and begin to prepare for when they return;

i feel empty now
vacuous
as if there is within me a pit of self destruction just getting wider
and it will only be a matter of time before i fall in through it
and wreck upon despair.

i go so far on the back and forth of being simultaneously okay and not okay
that each time i reach the extremities-
i am unsure what really to do.

last night i had some kind of epiphany;
the opposite of a white night, i suppose-
like for a few moments i understood the universe
and
knew again the deep mysteries
of magic things and
my place in it---

it was a bizarre gift-
but badly needed
i found something inside of myself perhaps i had forgotten-
but the resounding words
stick with me into today-
my fears and anxieties have lifted
and
all will be well.

i am doing exactly what i should be doing...

i filed for unemployment and i must say-
they don't lay out the information very well.
they told me to go online after 24 hour to claim my weekly benefits
and then when i did
they told me i had to call a number
which i wasted 15 minutes on just to be told
that i have to wait another week.

why did it tell me to call when it could have just said
because this is a waiting week
you have to wait?

whatever.

currently i am covered in gold sparkles
down at my sister's
where i have been sitting my nephew
who is home sick from school.
while he is distracted with racecars
i have been gluing and glittering the place setting cards for Crystal's wedding
and once my sister is ready we're going to go to the craft store for more stuff.
at the very least i have been keeping very busy.....

that's all for now---
it is kinda wonderful to be unemployed...

:-)

oh yeah

want:

Gold Shimmer Starter Kit from Sephora

Went to my local liquor store up here in the 'burg after praying all morning
and scored 3/4th of a case of Carroll's Mead for
John and Crystal's Wedding.

Oh Yes
We Shall Be Drunk!

^_^

now to figure out how to get it back to Astoria....
:-/
((Hadn't thought of that....))

If you are anywhere near a Saks Fifth Avenue store
today and today only
bring in any full size bottle of shampoo, full or empty
and receive in swap any full size of the Fekkai Advanced Shampoo line
free.

That's right, a 23 dollar shampoo
for simply bringing in your beat up old shampoo.

Warning, use of Fekkai may lead to addiction to UBERSOFT and FABULOUS hair;
hehe
but for this, it is worth the risk. 
~_^

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=109376333935

i am off to the Duane Reade for a dollar shampoo, and then it's up to Saks.  Yay!!!

my desk is completely packed up;
my little corner of the world looks now like most everyone else-
i really wish i didn't have to sit the week out like this
i wish that they had just let us go and go.

roughly 11 hours of 'work' to kill before it is all gone and done---

can i crawl into a hole now
and just not come out of it?

i shouldn't have come to work today-
hah, i shouldn't have left the house this week--
:-(

Rest in Peace Patrick;
may heaven hold you in it's embrace
and be filled with laughter and smiles
it surely is more bright and lively
with you there.

Patrick Swayze
August 18, 1952 – September 14, 2009

I don't have to worry about to work or not to work;
my whole department
and i
just got laid off.

Friday is our last day and-
me?
well
i am taking it well for now.

last night, my head upon the pillows
i told her that i was not long for this world
and this morning
careening as i routinely do through my
cross dimensional portal
sometimes called
Grand Central
i thought
'how alien i am to all of this
familiarity and
norms.'

i had wanted to say
'i just want to know love before i die'
but she had already told me not to cry
and the words of my truth,
spoken,
would break me
the state i live in these days-
so i left them true
but unsaid
like a mourner who brings
wild flowers.


yesterday
he asked me
that question they all eventually ask me
and like slipping on one's ugly house slippers
which you love for comfort
but loathe for their state
i repeated a defining mantra
which echoes back in my mind
the inescapable truths behind
my sadness and my sorrows-
those feelings i keep pent inside
from everyone

the two states of being
come together in a tango within my mind
which is still stuck somewhere
wondering
why
all you NY girls can't dance the polka--

tender as it may be i will not be resigning-
the guilt of not being grateful heavy as an albatross
the absence of such wings
broken in my soul
perhaps
irreparable-
at this point
the fight has gone
and
a different kind of resignation
seeps into my bloodstream
the warm exhaustion
the stinging, numbing clarity
of having to live out each death
as it goes
that
i cannot cheat and
forestall
any.

my other thought this morning--
once i said that
i die if i do not change
but also too
i think
being not long
the longer it goes without
reaching
the knowledge of love-
the more spectacular it will be when i do break-
like putting weights on either end of an already cracked beam;
the heart is wounded
you fools
she will one day
bleed herself to death.



i am angry at myself for allowing it to reach this place-
an anger which fuels the engine
that wears down my resolve
while i want to smash all of these bricks that have
walled me into myself
it is in the fog of my struggle that i can remember
why i cemented them together
for all of this time
to begin with.


Is it better to live briefly and more passionately
with uncertainty and the unknown around every corner
or
to live each day charted; plotted
coursing through the shallows
of those delineations that are known?
Is it better to be firmly secure and emotionally gagged
or hazardously free and spiritually soaring?

I place such high honour to being crazy and uncertain
and never stop to speculate on
that which is constant.

i suppose in my mind i feel
or fuel a fear
that
nothing i touch is really secure
it is merely
passing illusive displays of how i
can trick people into thinking i am like them
for a little while
but ultimately my crazy
will declare itself
and things kind of break down-

until i find a root that is viable
in doing something which i love
i will forever struggle in
'the workplace'
i will still never feel whole.

















not very long now--